Helping people in ways they might resist
Helping people in ways they might resist or react poorly to is a particularly meaningful way of caring for people.
Examples of this:
- Encouraging someone to do something they don't want to, that would be good for them.
- "You need to book a doctor's appointment".
- Giving someone negative feedback.
- "You were not very kind to your dad".
- Suggesting that someone do something awkward that they wouldn't have done by default.
- "You should apologize to your dad".
- Providing accountability for someone.
- "Did you actually call your dad?"
There's not much in it for you when you help people in these ways. In fact, the counterparty that you are helping might get mad at you for forcing them to do something they don't want to do, or for giving them critical feedback.
Story#
Here's a story to help you remember this concept. Once upon a time, Alek was on his way to the train, and wanted some lunch. Alek said "I will just go to Chipotle, because DIG is too far". DIG has historically been Alek's favorite place to get lunch. He got lunch basically every day there for the final half of his final year of college, and that was usually the only happy part of his day between 9am and 5pm, due to him doing some stupid empirical ML research. Someone who knew Alek very well recognized that this was an instance of not doing Heat up your water. In other words, going to Chipotle was a way of saying "nothing in life is beautiful, it's not worth caring about doing fancy things, we are just dust in the wind, a candle which will be blown out imminently". N said "no, you really must go to DIG". I whined and complained "I'll miss the train. It's so far!". It was a somewhat ambiguous case. It's much harder to do the right thing when you lack the luxury of certainty! And yet, N persisted, and I did in fact go to DIG.
Cautions#
- Don't try to "help" people too aggressively. You might not know what's best for someone!
- Sometimes it's important for people to make their own decisions.
- Helping people in ways they might resist is not worth doing if the expected cost to yourself is large, and you're not too close to the person.
Being a good recipient#
It's good to be a person that people feel comfortable giving negative feedback to, or pushing to do uncomfortable things. Please show appreciation when someone does this kindness towards you. Even if it is a bit misguided.